I used to write on LiveJournal. Most of my posts were locked so that only my friends could see them. And then when I had something really private that I wanted to record for myself, I could do that too. It was, as the name of the site suggests, a journal. I don't know what happened, but one day I just stopped writing. Actually, I have an inkling, but that's a story for another time.
About a year ago, my doctor diagnosed me with IBS: Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The name fits, because my bowels are definitely irritated... all.the.time. I used to think IBS was a bit of a crock, an excuse that people used. Yeah that's horrible. I didn't doubt that some people definitely had bowel problems, sometimes very severe, but it's just so easy to say "I have IBS" that it felt overused and abused. Well let me tell you, nowadays if somebody says they have IBS, I don't even think twice about it, I just take it at face value.
It started sometime in 2012. I don't recall exactly, but I would just get a really upset stomach for no reason. In October 2012, I had the opportunity to go on a work assignment to a completely different unit. The job was busy, demanding, fast paced... and I loved it. The funny thing is, two days after I started working there, my tummy troubles just stopped. Same pay, but a much more demanding job than my regular one... but again, I loved it. I loved the challenge, I loved being in charge of my work, I loved my co-workers. Parts of the job I really didn't love, but you'll find that anywhere.
I was there for almost 9 months. I won't go into the details, but it was a rough ride for all of us in that work unit. Let's just say management issues and leave it at that. Things sorta came to a head, and it was decided that it was best to end my assignment. So I went back to my permanent job. And within a couple days, the tummy troubles started up again.
That's when I finally started making the correlations. Even though my assignment was stressful, there was a lot I enjoyed. My permanent job? Hate it. It's just not the right fit for me. I began to realize that my body was physiologically reacting to my feelings towards my job and work environment.
You see, my stress has always manifested itself physiologically. Ever since I was a little girl. Back in elementary school, I'd get a tummy ache the last week of the summer before school started back up. The doctor told my mom that I was just worried about the new school year. Any time I knew something was going to happen that was bothersome, my tummy would hurt.
When I was 16, I started having major tummy problems. Not just a little tummy ache anymore. I couldn't go to school, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything but sit on my bed and rock myself back and forth. That would go on for an indeterminate number of days and then I'd be okay again. The big catchphrase back then was gastroenteritis. As Wikipedia says it is "a medical condition from inflammation ("-itis") of the gastrointestinal tract that involves both the stomach ("gastro"-) and the small intestine ("entero"-). It causes some combination of diarrhea, vomiting, and abdominal pain and cramping."
It was happening more than it should, and the big issue for me was abdominal pain and cramping. I don't really recall any of the other symptoms being a problem for me. Eventually, my family doctor sent me to a specialist to see if it could be stomach ulcers. I was sent for an endoscopy, the one where they send a scope down your throat. Yuck. It was the usual, no eating or drinking after midnight. I literally ate a cookie just before midnight and that was it.
My appointment was around 8:30 or 9 in the morning, and it ended up being a big waste of time. I have a really bad gag reflex and I couldn't help it. I started gagging when they put the scope down my throat, and I started to throw up. I was severely questioned about when I had last eaten, the specialist said she couldn't see anything because I had a ton of undigested food that should have been long since processed. I was sent home, and that's kinda where that ended.
Down the road, we started making the correlation with the episodes. Before high school graduation. Before going to college. Every time there was a big event in my life, I would start having these episodes. We began thinking that it was all stress related.
Around the age of 22 or 23, the tummy issues stopped and I started getting migraines. Weird huh? I had migraines for about 10 years, until around the time I started to try and manage my stress a little bit better. My migraines pretty much went away. Over the past several years since then (that was 10 years ago), I worked really hard to manage my stress and bring more peace and acceptance into my life.
Then the IBS started up. And that brings me to today, here, now. I've always found writing to be cathartic. When I was a teenager, I used to write short stories. I haven't done that in a long time, I've found other outlets for my imagination and creativity but I do feel the need to write about the issues I'm dealing with. I have another blog that I started about crafting, and specifically cardmaking. That's my happy blog. But I need to write about the other things in my life: my health, both physical and mental, my stress, my unhappiness. So this will be my not-happy blog.
If anybody is reading, and made it this far, thank you for witnessing the beginning of this journey. I don't know how often I'll blog here, but if my writing helps even just one person aside from myself that will make me really happy.
